How Bucky Barnes Spent His Summer Vacation
by GIRL IN STORY
Summary: "Nah," Bucky waved his metal hand. "Nazis did summon a demon, but he joined the Allies. I'm surprised you guys haven't run into each other. He's a vigilante now, works outta' New Jersey. Guess it feels like home. Anyway, it was all a bit embarrassing for Hydra. They tried real hard to scrub it out of my brainpan, and nobody talks about it at the Hydra Trash Parties."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This fic contains references to: Lucifer and Hellboy but you don't need to know anything about them to understand the fic. In case it's not obvious, this fic also contains references to Satanism. I am not a Satanist, and I am not trying to convert anyone to Satanism.

This fic is for entertainment purposes only. No blasphemy against any religion, imaginary or more imaginary, is intended.

No goats were harmed in the making of this fic.

* * *

"You've got mail," said Tony.

"You don't need to do that every time you text me," said Steve.

He and Bucky were on a vacation from Wakanda. It was more like being on a work trip from Wakanda, where every day was pilaf and purple cabbage wraps, sunsets and waterfalls, training with Okoye, learning from Shuri, playing with the goats and the village children (Bucky called them both his "kids"). The war with Thanos had gone a long way towards mending burned bridges, but Steve was determined not to let them fall again. He was tired of making impossible leaps.

"No, really." Tony held up a package. "You've got mail. Do you want me to open it? I'm going to open it. Hmm, there's no return address. Last time someone sent us a letter with no return address it was Loki."

"Maybe you should wait to…" Steve started before Tony ripped open the package. "...listen to anything I say, even though I'm the captain of this team."

"It's a DVD. I didn't know they still made those." Tony plugged it into the toaster, and the fridge turned into a screen, ostensibly because it was the only large white thing in the vicinity (aside from Steve). Most rich people favored white-on-white interior decor, but Tony's walls inevitably ended up with scorch marks after a few days. It didn't even matter if he was there.

"Well, if it is another evil villain video monologue, it's a short one. About thirty seconds."

Thor scratched his bearded chin with Mjölner. "Probably not Loki, then."

Steve sighed. "Only one way to find out."

Tony nodded, but he didn't do anything. After a few seconds he said, "Oh! Did you want me to play it? Captain? So sorry. I couldn't tell."

Steve flipped him off.

The DVD opened with a video of several Hydra agents standing around a lair that had either been abandoned for years or the subject of an experiment involving radioactive spiders. Peter kept squinting at the screen. Somehow, Steve could tell he was squinting, even under his mask. (Peter wore his mask when he didn't want the Avengers to see his bloodshot eyes from studying all night, which didn't work, because he'd learned that trick from Tony.)

Beside Steve, Bucky inhaled incrementally sharper than usual.

"Buck, you recognize them?"

"I do," said Natasha. "They're in Shield custody. Well, not that one, but the other five."

"Why wasn't I part of that mission?" Steve knew he sounded petulant, but he had called dibs on Nazis, seventy years ago.

Someone else entered the frame. It was Bucky. He was wearing the mask, but not the tactical goggles. He came to stop at parade rest, with his hands behind his back. Steve knew now that most of his handlers had ordered him to stand with his hands behind his back so that he couldn't talk.

He needed his hands to talk, because most of his handlers left the mask on unless they needed access to his mouth. Pierce was different, according to Bucky. According to Bucky, Pierce "liked to pretend."

Which was a little bit ironic considering the way Bucky broke his parade rest the second a Hydra agent got within arm's length. He attacked them ruthlessly, but nonlethally, incapacitating hands and shattering the occasional kneecap. An Achilles tendon went the way of its name.

The only agent who wasn't in Shield custody was bodily hurled moments after opening a small red book with a star on the cover. He was dead before his body hit the wall.

The entire things lasted about ten seconds.

Bucky switched on some computers and typed something faster than Steve would ever be able to. He secured the living Hydra agents with spider web, and Peter squinted harder. Then he left the frame, and the video went to black.

"Huh," said Tony. "How Bucky Barnes Spent his Summer Vacation."

"I'm sorry," said Bucky.

He sounded close to tears, and Steve's heart rate went even faster than abnormal, because, because Bucky hadn't cried after being tortured by Nazis for seventy years, which would be most people's deal breaker.

"Bucky, why?"

"I killed them," he said. "Not just him. There were others."

"About twelve facilities' worth," said Fury. "It was the biggest Hydra raid in the history of Shield, and we barely had to lift a finger. Just respond to the beacons sent out by an UNSUB."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Steve demanded. "I was looking for him."

"We didn't know the identity of the UNSUB," said Fury. "That's what UNSUB means."

"I'm sorry," Bucky said again, and Steve turned back to him even though it meant he had to stop being angry.

"Bucky. Buck. Hey. You have nothing to be sorry for. You did real good, pal."

"I killed them."

"In self-defense."

Bucky gave Steve the closest thing he had to a smile these days. "They were never going to kill me, Steve."

Suddenly Steve remembered Munich, where the Howlies had found wanted posters for Steve, and Dugan couldn't stop living up their team name about how they got his nose just right (they didn't). Then they found a wanted poster for Bucky. He was the only other Howlie who had one, and no one made a joke, not even _Dum Dum_, because Steve's poster said "Wanted Dead or Alive," and Bucky's just said, "Alive."

That night, Bucky made Steve promise not to let them take him alive again. When Bucky fell, one of the few things that kept Steve sane was knowing he neither had to break, nor keep, that promise.

"No." Steve got to be angry again, but he couldn't take any pleasure in it. "No, they were going to do something worse. You think I don't get that? You think I don't know that every fucking time Hydra's records mention an attempt to "terminate mission" that was barely even a fucking _euphemism_? Bucky. Buck. I would have killed them _all_."

There was a brief silence, which usually followed one of Steve's speeches. He could never decide if it was full of awe, or just awkwardness.

Clint broke it.

"Um, I have a question: How did you force choke that one guy?"

Steve wrinkled his nose. "Force… choke?"

"Force lift. Whatever, nerd. He was lifted off his feet, but you didn't lay a hand on him, metal or otherwise."

"Oh," said Bucky. "That's the Devil."

"Come again," said Tony. "Which I have never said under such unpleasant circumstances."

Bucky shrugged. "It started in '44. They were havin' some trouble controlling me, and they thought it might be easier if I was possessed with a demon."

"Wait," said Tony. "Nazis tried to summon a _demon_?"

"Nah," Bucky waved his metal hand. "Nazis did summon a demon, but he joined the Allies. I'm surprised you guys haven't run into each other. He's a vigilante now, works outta' New Jersey. Guess it feels like home. Anyway, it was all a bit embarrassing for Hydra. They tried real hard to scrub it out of my brainpan, and nobody talks about it at the Hydra Trash Parties."

"Hydra… Trash Parties?" asked Sam.

"Oh, that's what I call them. They just call them parties."

"Do I wanna'-"

"Nope," said Bucky. "So the problem with history is that if you don't remember it-"

"It repeats itself," Steve finished grimly.

"They tried again in 1996. Only this time, they got more than they bargained for. The one with many names."

"Prince?" said Tony.

"The Devil?" Sam looked like he was waiting for Bucky to say, "Nope," again, but Bucky just nodded. "The Nazis thought the Devil would be easier to control than you?"

Bucky shrugged again. "He wasn't so bad. He was about ready for a vacation, so we hung out in LA for a while. It turns out he's really good at figuring out which people deserve punishment. He ended up as an informant for the LAPD. I think being in human form gave him a bit of a conscience. He definitely left some of himself in me."

"Unpleasant circumstances," Tony whispered.

"So you've got some… Devil in you?" asked Steve, and he wasn't waiting for Bucky to say, "Nope," because he accepted everything about Bucky, even the Satanic bits, but it was a lot to take in. Steve was a lapsed Catholic, but it was like any other kind of relapse. Everything blurred together after a while.

"Well, yeah," said Bucky. "Why do you think I raise _goats_?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Is that why you keep stealing my shield and holding it upside down?" asked Steve, who had been doing some research into Satanism. He was enjoying the unusually wide berth given to him by the Shield agents who monitored his network traffic.

Steve found most of it pretty mild, but then again, he'd been an abomination unto God since 1941. Rational Satanism in particular seemed to be simply a rejection of aspects Christian ideologies that Steve had always found problematic: e.g. herd mentality, scapegoating, etc. (Turned out there were a lot of goats in Christianity too.)

The only problem he had with Satanism so far was with self-indulgence. Steve was raised Catholic, so he felt guilty for any kind of indulgence, but he was working on that with his therapist. He had even participated in Treat Yourself Day with Sam last year. (Steve was not permitted to call it Treat Yo' Self Day). He had bought himself a new pair of running shoes. Sam said something about baby steps, which Steve didn't understand because he wore a size 14.

Satanism didn't promote abuse of children, animals, or women. Mostly, it seemed to be about hating everyone equally. Steve could kind of get behind that.

It still took him a few moments to remember his manners when Satan called at the Tower two days later.

"Please have a seat," said Steve.

Tony winced when Satan's goat-butt touched his sofa, but Steve didn't know why. It was already covered in scorch marks.

Bucky gave a little wave. "Hi, Luci."

"Hi, Bucky," The Dark Lord intoned.

"Would you like a… drink of… water?" Steve faltered, looking at the flames gently lapping Satan's cloven hooves. He was really just trying not to look at his breasts.

"No, thank you." Satan turned to Bucky. "Thank you, by the way. For not sending me. Any of your goats. I am getting. Rather sick of them."

He spoke in stilted sentence, like Siri working through a particularly difficult translation (Jarvis had much faster processing speeds, but also infinitely more tradeoff, so most of the time, Steve just went with Siri; he wasn't a fast enough typist to need all that processing power.)

"Some pizza would. Be nice though."

"Did you send the video?" Bucky sighed. "We've talked about this, Luci. The Fifth Satanic Law of Earth explicitly forbids sexual advances without a mating signal. I have not given you a mating signal."

"Apologies, Bucky," said Satan. "I couldn't find any Customer Complaint Forms. I think Lilith used the last one on Louis C.K.. She is. Very into #MeToo."

(They had finally renamed the #MeToo movement when they realized a lot of people still read a hashtag as "pound.")

"I sent the. Video in lieu."

"Of a Customer Complaint Form?"

"Your soul," said Satan. "It's just. So tortured. I want a refund."

Bucky frowned. "Hydra sold you my soul?"

"No, no. Nothing like that. I just got a little bit of it in the. Transfer. In exchange, you got some of my powers. It's not a normal deal, but standard terms and conditions. Still apply."

Bucky shrugged, and the exchange seemed to be conducted with less ado than a refund at Ross: Dress for Less. ("Like, really tiny baby steps," Sam had said. "Backwards.")

Satan let out a smoke ring of relief. "Oh, thank me. That was… unpleasant. I don't know how you can. Stand it."

"The trick is not having a choice," said Bucky. Already, his shoulders looked tighter. Both of them, even though it had been a few weeks since Tony had tightened up the metal one.

Satan cocked his head and nearly took out an overhead light. "Do you want me to. Like. Take the edge off? I mean. I'm still technically an. Angel. We have healing powers."

Bucky had the same dubious expression on his face as when requested to try: acupuncture, massage, Twitter, anime, and kale. He nodded anyway.

"Cheers," said Lucifer, and then he was gone.

"Does it feel any better?" asked Steve, also dubious about what any kind of healing would do (angelic or otherwise) for someone who already had advanced regenerative abilities.

Bucky gave Steve the closest thing he had to a smile these days, and…

It was actually a smile.

"Hail Satan," said Clint.


	3. Chapter 3

The whole team was starting to get into it. Wanda created a Tumblr dedicated to something she referred to as "Pastel Satanism" and crocheted an army of Baphomet plushies in colors like pink and lavender. Bruce read LaVey's Satanic Bible and decided that, "They're just secular humanists who are trolling people," which got Tony interested, because: Trolling.

Thor was the only one not particularly interested in Satan, if only because, "It's just Loki."

Most depictions of Lucifer were based on pagan gods, including Pan and Loki. It turned out that when Luci appeared in the Avengers Tower, he had manifested as Baphomet.

Baphomet's name was an Old French translation of Mohammed, because Templars were accused of adopting Islamic faith during their military operation. His physical attributes weren't finalized until the 19th century, when a write named Éliphas Lévi published a series of books about Satan. Lévi depicted Baphomet as unity of contraries.

He had goat legs (because Christianity wanted to demonize pagan religions). He was part beast, but he was also part man, or more explicitly, woman. His torso had female breasts (although that might be less about unity and more about fanservice). He had a caduceus, rising like a phallus from his lap a torch emanating light from the top of his horned head. Wings and a pentacle. Binary elements representing the unity of the universe.

Later, Léo Taxil used a version of Lévi's Baphomet on the cover of his lurid exposé of Freemasonry, which in he later revealed as a hoax intended to ridicule the Catholic Church. His use of Baphomet as a Masonic imagery, however fake, was likely what gave the goat-god lasting popularity.

Then in 2014, The Satanic Temple commissioned an 8 1/2 foot statue of Baphomet as a semi-ironic demonstration of the right to free speech. It was first displayed in Detroit (because that was as close to hell as they could get). In 2018, its likeness was used in the _Chilling Adventures of Sabrina_, and The Satanic Temple sued Netflix for ruining Satan's image.

"If The Satanic Temple has the freedom of speech to put up a statue of the devil, then Netflix should have the freedom of speech to steal it," said Deadpool, who kept showing up at the Tower with tacos. They let him stay, because: Tacos.

"You're just saying that because you stole my suit design," said Peter.

"It is _homage_," Deadpool sounded offended. "They're totally different. You can't sue for homage."

Steve had somehow missed all of this, despite coming out of the ice in 2011. He was trying to catch up chronologically, so he was still in the 60s. The Satanic Bible had actually been next on his list. He borrowed Bruce's copy.

It turned out that Satanists didn't actually believe the devil. They just used Satan as a symbol for individualism and free thought. Most modern Satanists had leftist politics, with an emphasis on women's rights and separation of Church and State. The New York sect even had a program to provide impoverished girls with free feminine hygiene products. The program was called, "Menstruatin' with Satan."

Of course, Satanists did condone murder, but only if someone was really an asshole, and depending upon interpretation, so did most major criminal justice systems.

Steve's favorite part was in the section about sex, which he certainly hadn't been expecting, because: Catholic.

The Satanic Bible not only explicitly accepted homosexuals, bisexuals, and asexuals in 1966, it also accepted asexuals as part of the queer community (LaVey used the word "deviant," but you could tell he meant it in a good way).

Steve showed Bucky, who just shrugged, because he was Jewish and had therefore been on God's Naughty List since 1917.

"Pretty progressive of them have queers in '66," he said. (He didn't say that the only reason Hydra didn't have queers in '66 was because it wasn't considered queer as long as you were doing it to a weapon.)

"Don't call them that," said Steve. "It's LGBT… Q… A… Is there an I in there somewhere?"

"Grammar Nazi," said Bucky.

Steve gasped. "How _dare_ you?"

"What do you think the Q stands for? They took the word back. It doesn't mean what it meant when people called us that."

"They used to think it was a disease," Steve said in a whisper, because fear was a hard habit to break.

"Yeah, well, they were _doctors_," Bucky said, not in a whisper, because so was anger.

"You always hated doctors," said Steve. "Even before Hydra. I almost forgot."

"'Course I did. They were always saying you were gonna' die."

According to the Satanic Bible, compulsion was different than indulgence, because it was created by abstinence. Steve could get behind that, because he was struck with the compulsion to hold Bucky and never let go. "Movie night?"

"Movie night," Bucky agreed.

"How about _The Witch_? It was made in 2015, but we can skip ahead. I hear the Church of Satan approves of that one."

"I hear it's all about diseased corn," said Bucky.

"Hmm," said Steve. "Tacos?"

"Tacos."

An hour later, they were curled up on the couch with their tacos and crocheted Baphomet plushies while Thomasin's family slowly succumbed to ergotism. Steve swallowed his last taco practically whole so he could put his arms back around Bucky.

Maybe he could get into this whole indulgence thing after all.


End file.
